My wife came home from a yoga retreat earlier this month intrigued with the idea of rest. Admittedly, and embarrassingly, I laughed after she told me she had gotten emotional during a breakout session when she shared about feeling rest-depleted and her intrinsic misunderstanding of what “rest” can mean.
Insensitively, I responded with something along the lines of, Rest!? Are we really talking about rest? It’s been 3 years since I’ve taken a “rest”, before turning my back and continuing to clean the kitchen.
Now I can be a real prick when I’m feeling stretched thin, but honestly, at that moment the concept of rest felt so foreign to me that her revelation didn’t seem novel at all, but rather completely out of touch with our present reality. Rest just doesn’t ever feel like an option when we’ve got two young kids to take care of…. who was she kidding?
Lucky for me, she laughed along with me and shared that she had felt the same way going into the retreat, even skeptical that she wouldn’t get much out of a day spent focusing on something so indulgent and impractical as rest. This kicked off an ongoing conversation that helped me redefine rest, why it matters, how it actually is possible and how it could be the key to pulling us through what has felt like an especially challenging winter season.
My goal is to publish a newsletter each month, and January’s edition was originally going to be about our Canadian leg of the campervan trip. But I try to ground my writing in honesty and vulnerability, and lately, I’ve felt so utterly burnt out that writing about the road trip felt disingenuous. And to be honest, I just haven’t been able to find the words to write it.
So today I explore rest, and how some small adjustments I’ve made to my own routine these past couple of weeks have helped me immensely.
the burnout parents
Every parent goes through spells where daily life feels so unrelenting, so exhausting, so draining and chaotic, that it almost becomes laughable. We go into full-blown survival mode, a game of whack-a-mole preventing toddler melt-downs, soothing babies, kissing bonks, cleaning up messes, endless messes… you handle one thing and another pops up. The cycle doesn’t slow down. Your family finally recovers from one wave of illness, and you notice your toddler’s nose is running again. Sleep regressions hit hard, only to be piled on by nighttime potty training and middle-of-the-night bed strips. All of a sudden, you realize you haven’t slept through the night in weeks – you’re back to the newborn days again, but there’s no adrenaline left. Your tank is empty. And the house… the house is… well, there are toys everywhere, food crusted onto the counters, the laundry has piled up, and the prospect of getting the cleaners in for an extra visit seems infeasible as it would require you to get the house clean enough to be cleaned, and even that doesn’t feel possible. You’ve worked hard to cook a meal for the whole family. But if you don’t give your toddler two forks and one spoon to eat it (a spoon for the applesauce, one fork for the chicken, another for the rice) he’s going to have a meltdown, but giving him three utensils is utterly ridiculous and you don’t even have that many clean utensils left to offer. You gotta pick your battles, though, so you pull a dirty one out of the dishwasher, rinse it off quickly and hand it to him. He dumps his plate of food on the floor for the dog anyway – and you just let her clean this one up. You were hoping to exercise today, but there’s no way that’s going to happen. Once the kids go to sleep, you’re gearing up to return to your office for another couple of hours of work. It feels like ages since you had any quality time with your wife. It feels like ages since you got a good night’s sleep. It feels like ages that you did anything for yourself. But you keep going, you don’t have another choice.
They call us the Burnout Generation (oldie article but a goodie), and man do I feel it these days. But while plenty has been written about burnout culture in the workplace, what happens when Millennials start throwing children into the mix?
In the same way Millennials often glorify workplace burnout – priding ourselves on long hours, always being “on”, blurring lines between work and home – I’ve noticed Millennial discourse around parenting often follows suit, at least for us dads.
For example, I’m in numerous group chats with various collectives of dad friends. Ninety percent of what we share in these chats are battle stories – tales from the trenches of fatherhood and the battle wounds that come with it. Rather than sharing how we feel – exhausted, burnt out, sleep deprived, missing our friends – we glorify the pain instead. The group chat quickly transforms into this shared experience, a camaraderie of pain, a uniquely male phenomenon.
During a two-week spell last winter when we were still in the newborn phase of 3am bottle feeds, one of my best buddies was simultaneously dealing with a major sleep regression from his toddler. We’d text each other almost nightly from the trenches… nothing of substance (“You up?”), it was more of a digital nod to each other that we were deep in this shit together. And it helped! I truly felt less alone during those sleep-deprived nights. And I continue to be grateful for the validation and often laugh-out-loud humor these group chats provide.
But what if instead of just glorifying the brutal parts, we opened up to each other about how we were feeling and shared strategies and ideas to help one another through it?
So here I go… two weeks ago I felt on the verge of a total breakdown. I’m generally pretty even-keeled, so this level of disruption and feeling so out of control felt extra uncomfortable to me. For some context, over the past couple of months, both of our children had birthdays (Ford turned one and Johnny turned three), we hosted birthday parties and a baptism for Ford, we traveled for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and we just couldn’t seem to shake the cycle of sicknesses (even our dog got the stomach bug?!). Over Christmas, our baby had about eight new teeth coming in, was on the verge of walking, but not quite there and decided he only wanted to sleep when he was lying on one of our chests. We both completely missed Christmas Eve dinner taking turns trying to get him down and then found ourselves doing another round of sleep training once we got home later that week.
I share all this not to complain (and I realized it might even sound like I’m glorifying it!) but because I’m sure you can relate and probably have your own holiday battle stories. It’s an exhausting time of the year for parents.
Family chaos aside, I was also navigating a lot of change at work and some minor health issues that have been occupying a lot of my mental space and limiting the amount I can exercise (and running is my outlet, my happy place).
Now I’m an extremely high-energy individual, and when things feel chaotic, my natural response is to go into “get shit done” mode and put method to the madness. This can be a superpower, but when the chaos just keeps on coming, turns out I can hit burnout. And let me tell you, this burnout really knocked me on my ass.
But when Mary Scott came home that night talking about rest – and particularly, different kinds of rest beyond physical rest – something clicked. Both of us have always thought of rest in the physical sense: napping, sleeping in, lying down… frankly, things that I just don’t do and am not particularly interested in doing. But we had never considered there could be different types of rest: mental, emotional, creative, spiritual, etc.
Look, I’m that guy who, until (very) recently, always skipped the Shavasana at the end of a yoga class and left before the stretching at the end of Orange Theory. I just didn’t get why I needed to lie on the floor for five minutes as part of my workout. But the more I talked and read about the different types of rest, I realized how wrong I was.
All of us are programmed to be “on” at all times. We have devices that allow us to tap into work, friends, family, email anytime, anywhere. Personally, my mind is constantly working… always checking in on my to-do list. Mary Scott even shared that she wasn’t letting herself sit down during our kids’ naptime unless she was doing something productive, like booking an appointment or answering an email, because she associated physical rest with being lazy or selfish. She deleted TikTok from her phone recently but admitted she misses the mindless scroll because it allowed her to take a “guilt-free” break and mental escape from all the things she could be doing.
I think most of us use social media in this way, whether we realize it or not. And personally, it always leaves me feeling worse. I’m also sure that many of you experience that same unproductivity guilt, I certainly do. So how can we escape, take a break, rest without relying on something that entertains and distracts us but also leaves us feeling even more depleted and guilty than before we took this “break?”
While reflecting on this, I’ve taken some personal inventory and have been far more intentional about slowing down and prioritizing the different types of rest that I need, which I’ll outline below. It’s made a major difference in how I’ve been able to show up over the past two weeks. The chaos hasn’t subsided… not even a little bit… but I’m actually not feeling burnt out anymore.
Now, in the future, will I sometimes skip the Orange Theory stretch in order to get home to help get the kids out the door? Scroll Instagram aimlessly to get a mental break from work? Use a run to brainstorm something I’m stuck on at work? For sure. But I’ll try to find a balance and sub in some rest here and there as well.
If you feel burnt out and you’re like me and don’t think you have any time for “rest”, humor me and try to swap out one scrolling session each day. I bet you it’ll make a noticeable difference. And if how I’m resting is not how you like to do it, try reflecting on these questions that Mary Scott brought back from her retreat:
What supports you in finding stillness (mental or physical)? What gets in your way?
What kind of rest do I need most right now? (body, heart, mind, spirit)
What is asking to be honored in this moment?
how i’m resting
Ten-minute meditations (mental rest): I’m still learning how to meditate and I definitely haven’t mastered the art of “letting my unwelcomed thoughts float by,” but when I start to feel stressed at work, instead of reaching for a snack or another coffee, I’ve been setting a timer and lying on my back in silence for ten minutes. Mary Scott sits outside in the sunlight and sets her timer for five minutes, often with a cup of tea.
Guitar breaks (mental rest): I find it really difficult to shut my brain off, but I realized playing guitar is one of the only ways I can be truly present in the moment. When transitioning between tasks or calls at work, I’ve been grabbing my guitar and playing one song. It takes five minutes and clears my head.
Running intentionally (physical and mental rest): I often make running about pushing my pace and/or cramming industry podcasts that can feel like homework. I’ve been trying to slow down and listen to old music that I love, which is allowing me to completely zone out and focus on breathing.
Standing date nights (emotional and social rest): Taking inspiration from some of our close friends, we recently committed to standing date nights every Thursday, which ensures we can prioritize quality time together without the kids. Sometimes we go to dinner, sometimes we go to a yoga class together, and sometimes we just go sit in a coffee shop and co-work. But regardless of what we do, it ensures we have time set aside to check in and make sure we’re supporting each other in the ways we need.
24-hour staycation (emotional, mental, physical rest): Last weekend our nanny took the kids overnight from noon to noon and we did a 24-hour staycation in Chapel Hill: did a yoga class, went to a basketball game, had a nice dinner out, and even capped the night off with a visit to a bar arcade. We also slept past 6am for the first time in months. I can’t recommend it enough. If you don’t have a trusted nanny/babysitter or family in the area, perhaps you could suggest a kid swap with some friends so you can return the favor?
Scheduled mornings off (CYA): We’ve started scheduling out our entire weeks, and as part of that, we each get two mornings off from the pre-work/school routine. I typically use mine to go to physical therapy and exercise, Mary Scott does yoga, takes our dog for a long walk or sits and enjoys her coffee in peace.
No phones in bed (mental and emotional rest): This one is hard and one that we break often. But there’s a noticeable difference when we start the morning with reading, checking in, or even watching the news together instead of immediately losing ourselves to our phones and feeling the stress of the day ensue.
what i’m eating
I went to Jamaica two years ago for one of my oldest friends’ weddings and became completely obsessed with Jamaican food. Everyone at the wedding stayed in villas with groups of friends, each villa with its own chef. I spent a bunch of time talking to our chef and took home a bunch of Jamaican spices, cooking techniques, and inspiration. Jamaican jerk chicken bowls have become one of our go-to’s and are always a crowd-pleaser when I cook for guests.
jamaican jerk chicken bowls w/ avocado mango salsa
ingredients
boneless chicken thighs (I always make 2 lbs so we have leftovers for lunch salads)
1 cup dry white rice
2-3 ripe avocados (the key is to find some that are ripe, but still fairly firm), cut into half-inch chunks
1 large mango or 2 small ones, cut into half-inch chunks
handful of cilantro, chopped
2 green onions, sliced thin
3 limes
cumin
coriander
lettuce/kale of choice
red onion
apple cider vinegar
sugar
Easispice Jerk Seasoning (100% worth ordering this brand off Amazon, it’s the real stuff)
cotija cheese
salt & pepper
make it
Pickled Red Onions: I always have pickled red onions at the house since realizing how easy it is to make them. Simply slice thin an entire red onion (Mary Scott recently got me a mandoline and it’s a game changer) and put in a tupperware. Mix two cups of water, one cup of apple cider vinegar and two teaspoons of sugar in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Once it starts boiling, remove from heat and pour it over the onions in the tupperware. You can eat them pretty much right away, but they are best if you do ahead of time and keep in the fridge.
Rice: Cook white rice as directed on the packaging, but I like to swap half the water for coconut milk for creamy coconut rice. Once finished, I’ll stir in some fresh cilantro and some fresh lime juice.
Chicken: Cover the chicken with jerk seasoning, and don’t be shy. Personally, I like to smoke the chicken thighs on my pellet smoker until they reach an internal temperature of 165 degrees (~1.5 hours at 225), then I’ll flash them on the grill at high heat to give them a char. But if you don’t have a smoker, just throw them on the grill until they hit 170 degrees.
Avocado Mango Salsa: Mix equal amounts of avocado and mango. Add chopped cilantro, sliced green onions, juice of two limes, four shakes of cumin, two shakes of coriander, and salt/pepper to taste. If you use all the avocado and mango, you’ll have leftovers for lunch the next day or to serve with chips and salsa. The lime makes the avocado last for at least another day or two.
Assemble: I like to make sections for the rice, lettuce/kale, salsa, and chicken in the bowl, top with cotija cheese and pickled red onions (see below), then cut up the chicken and mix it all together. If I have a light salad dressing I’ll drizzle over the greens, but it’s not really necessary because of the salsa and cheese. Squeeze lime over the top and enjoy!
what i’m watching/listening to
This has been on repeat for weeks…
what i’m reading
My sister-in-law got our son the book Cranky by Phuc Tron for his 3rd birthday, and it’s one of my favorite children’s books yet – all about how friends, honesty and communication help us navigate big emotions. Johnny loves it too.
I really enjoyed these reflections & how you shared how you are tangibly creating space for rest in your life. It's a joy to know Mary Scott & your boys through yoga <3
Love. I am so inspired by you guys. J&F are so lucky to have you 💛
“We have devices that allow us to tap into work, friends, family, email anytime, anywhere.” !! So tricky. This gave me a nudge to take a break from social media.